Last night I finally read something that gave me the word to describe Caroline. I’ve known for a long time that she’s a strong little person, independent and likes things exactly. just. so. Some authors call them strong willed. Some call them spirited. Those are both sort of true, but she’s not over-the-top in the ways you might think of when you hear “strong willed”.
But the word that most accurately describes her is: intense.
(Can’t imagine where she got that gene from…)
Yesterday was a day. A very long day.
We are in the thick of three year old life with a very intense daughter.
I was so exhausted last night I was too tired to decompress from the day. I just went to bed. LOL. (I wasn’t laughing last night.)
I’m glad I can finally put a word on the emotions and actions and everything we’ve been experiencing. It has been hard to explain it to people. And the thought of being one of “those” parents with one of “those” children is not easy either.
I received a number of helpful comment re: a question I asked. Every comment gave me something to work with. I was really thankful for a comment Lindsey left on my other blog. She said (and I’m going to bold the parts that especially spoke to me):
My son (and first born) was exactly like this. Up every morning at 4.30 or 5am, whatever time we put him to bed. Needing my undivided attention every single moment of the day. Even when he was watching a video (he’s 16 now – so we are going back a while here) he would want me sitting beside him, and if I picked up a book or magazine he would complain. If I was in the bath, he was standing at the side of it wanting to play. If I was cooking he was complaining.
I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t a strain! I had given up a busy and fairly high-powered job, had no friends with young children and found it difficult to make any as Josh needed so much attention. He was happy if we were out walking in the park with the pushchair, but the moment I took the pushchair to the shops he realised I wasn’t paying him attention and would start creating again!
A few things helped. We had a dog, and they became great friends when Josh was old enough to be entertained by her. My mother would spell me for a couple of hours here and there, so that I could go shopping without stress. My mother also noticed that Josh was happiest when there were other children about. Even when he was still very young – just coming up for 1 – he would sit and watch older children at the playground and be much more content. I found a little day nursery that was willing to take him for 2 hours twice a week, and often I used that 2 hours to go home and nap, which made all the difference!
We also realised very early on that Josh was a very bright baby. I’m sure that the constant curiosity was a sign of that. He talked very early, counted at an extraordinarily young age, and was reading, fluidly, from 6 year old readers, before he was 4.
I think the best advice I can give you is to give into it, and not try to change things. My brother and his wife used to give us quite a hard time about his “neediness” and often my so-called friends would complain that I was giving him too much attention. Their children didn’t need it. They would play on their own, and he wouldn’t. I was made to feel like I was doing something wrong, and that I could change him. The same with the early morning waking. After a while I just started going to bed earlier, and appreciating the early mornings for the great start they gave to our days! I became expert at stacking away “surprises” that I could bring out when I really really needed 5 minutes on my own. These could be a collection of printables from a website, some little toys long forgotten, a toy musical instrument, a plastic crate full of soapy water and pouring utensils, a simple craft he could do on his own, or a bowl filled with dried pulses to stir and mix.
My daughter was born when Josh was nearly 3 and things changed immediately. He loved her devotedly from the day she came home from the hospital, and despite the fact that she couldn’t play with him, he was endlessly entertained by her.
And one more thought .. Josh is a 6 foot 3 teenager now, sporty, clever, kind and funny, and we have a wonderful, close relationship. He knows that he had my undivided attention when he needed it, and I don’t regret it for one moment.
We’ve been having a babysitter come to the house a couple of mornings a week and it is worth EVERY. SINGLE. SOLITARY. PENNY. We have two girls who come. One of them is only eleven so I wouldn’t leave her here with Caroline alone, but it is wonderful for getting a break. If you are overwhelmed or worn out, I highly encourage you to scrape together the money if you have to and have a young girl come for a few hours a week to help out. It makes such a tremendous difference and Caroline loves it.
So why did I say in the title it is our own fault? Because we prayed for many years for a child, specifically a daughter. And we prayed the Lord would make her strong and that she would faithfully follow the Lord.
Make her strong.
What were we thinking?!?!??!?!
Why didn’t we pray for a quiet, compliant child? LOL!
Not really. I wouldn’t trade her for any other child. But you get what you pray for. And God certainly heard and answered those intense prayers with an intense child. 
Our second and third daughters are this way, so I can empathize. Thankfully, the second one is somewhat better now at age 5, but the 3 YO is in the thick of it. I definitely find it difficult in homeschooling the older 2 and keeping an eye on the little guy with her around.
And yep, we had infertility issues for several years and desperately wanted a baby! Guess we should have been a bit more specific!
My second of my four children was very much this way. It was exhausting. One of my most vivid memories is of putting him in an infant seat when he was just months old, and if I tried to sit next to him and pick up a book, he would fuss unless I was making direct eye contact! I used to call him “koala baby” as an infant because he wanted to be clinging to me all…the…time, just like a little koala bear hugging a tree. It was so hard to get a break!
He was also very intense about his likes, such as construction. I learned everything there was to know about construction vehicles just to keep up with him, grin.
He is now 17-1/2 and is the biggest “people person” in the family, very friendly and outgoing. He has transferred much of his intensity to an interest in computers and I think he will have a successful career doing something in that field.
I was really concerned our thirdborn would be just like him in terms of needs, because I didn’t know how I’d ever keep up, but God gave us a very easygoing girl the next time around…
It’s tough while it lasts, but just a note of encouragement that you’ll get through it and the traits she shows now, in ways that can be tiring, will stand her in good stead later in life!
Best wishes,
Laura
This is just a thought: I remember quite awhile ago you mentioned that you were formerly involved with BSF. Have you thought about going again for the primary purpose of taking Caroline? I am experienced as an early childhood teacher and a former director of childhood education at a large church (and as a mom of little ones!) and can say without hesitation that their preschool program is the best thing out there, by a long shot! The children are kept engaged in one activity after another, it seems like it would be a good outlet for an intense child (it was for my intense firstborn, and is still great for my more laid back boys!) I know it’s just 2 hours a week, but it’s had a lasting impact on my children, in more ways than I can mention.
Carry on, you’re raising a girl who can change the world!
Just a thought!
Cathy, Laura and Jenny – Thank you! It is good to hear success stories from other moms. I know there are many children out there who are intense and I’m not the only mom facing this. But it is still encouraging to hear it from other moms in the trenches. LOL!
Jenny – David and I have both done BSF in the past and I was a discussion leader. I always picked up the children’s discussion sheets when I went and have a binder full of them. We’ve talked about one of us going again so Caroline could do the program. But I found the extreme structure of BSF and lack of relationship very difficult so I admit to feeling reluctant to make the commitment to it. And up until now I couldn’t have even considered trying to keep up with a study.
But it may be something I try again for her sake since I know it is an outstanding program. Thanks for putting the bug in my ear again. Something to think and pray about.
For what it’s worth, it seems like times are changin’ a bit with BSF. Pants are allowed, you can print your notes off online, and there’s even going to be a nursing mom’s group starting in January! Anyway, I have shared your reluctance in the past about structure/formality, but I’ve noticed the more children I have, the more I’ve appreciated it….My life seems to so lack structure sometimes, the predictability and structure BSF provides serves as a balm to my sometimes harried soul.
That, combined with the excellence offered to my children has made BSF a great asset in this season of our family’s life. So I had just thought I’d mention it………
Happy Thanksgiving to you!
Both of my kids were intense but in different ways. Stephanie is a typical first born in control type of female and has been at birth. When she was a preschooler and a child, it came out more as wanting her own way all the time… an odd combination of sanguine and choleric personality.
I know with both kids I can look back and see what was difficult in their early years (for me), when they were trained in the right direction, became that which made them be strong as adults.
I will pray for you. It is not easy but the journey is well worth it and you are raising your own best friend.
I have a sitter for my 3 yo, three days a week for 2 hours at a time. My husband works very long hours and I absolutely agree, the sitter is worth every single penny!!!!
I walk on the treadmill and take a shower and refresh.
Oooh, Sallie. My pride has definitely been chastened by my second son. My first little guy is soooo compliant, plays well by himself, would sit quietly and look around in his baby carrier for an hour, etc. Evan is a totally different piece of work. He’s demanding, stubborn, fussy, and a ball of energy. He takes short naps, wakes repeatedly at night if we’re not at home, and brings me to my knees constantly. He leaves me totally bewildered often. But I prayed for a cuddly baby. I just wish he would let me put him down. =)
Oh yeah, and Sallie, I also did CBS and quit it for the same reasons that you did. I am now doing Community Bible Study, and its a breath of fresh air. Less rules, more relationship, not as structured, and they still have an excellent children’s program. I might try that.
[...] to my previous post, I am reading this. I’m only part way through it and I would already recommend it for those [...]
I have recently arranged for a homeschooling girl in my church to come be a “mother’s helper” once a week or so. So far, she’s only come once but it was such a blessing! I was able to get a lot done in the short time she was here!