(Warning: Long, rambly post of me thinking through my fingers and enjoying pictures of Caroline as baby…)
Cliff speaking to some of his children on why he built a separate room for Clair from The Cosby Show: Season 8
I’m going to tell all of you something about privacy. Privacy is.. is being able to have a complete thought and follow it all the way through without somebody coming in “but dad, but dad, but dad.” To this day I don’t know how smart I actually could be because people keep coming in and jammin my thoughts. I don’t know how many inventions I could have created had I been able to have a complete thought. And that’s what I’m trying to give to your mother.
As I’ve been watching The Cosby Show this time, it is the first time I’ve watched it as a parent. It definitely gives you a different perspective because you can immediately relate to some of the scenarios and conversations. The above quote so stood out to me that I took the time to transcribe it.
It resonated with me because it is dealing with what has been one of the most difficult changes for me after having a child. It doesn’t surprise me that this has been hard. I knew before I ever had a child that I would find the loss of freedom and privacy to think difficult. And I was absolutely right.
Now that we have entered our fourth year with Caroline and have (mostly) moved beyond the sleep deprivation and the challenges of an infant/toddler, I now on rare occasion have the ability to almost have half of a complete thought. And it is still very hard.
Part of the difficulty for me is that I need to have complete thoughts in order to do my work. I realized a few weeks ago that I am experiencing a high level of frustration from the lack of ability to actually think for extended periods of time. I don’t feel like I create when I write. I feel like I churn out materials to meet deadlines for clients. They are two completely different things. I don’t feel like I do my best work because to do my best work requires thought. And thinking takes time and quiet and effort. Anyone who thinks that writing is easy probably isn’t a very good writer. In order to do excellent writing, it takes a great deal of effort. Yes, there are flashes of inspiration and brilliance. But mostly it is work.
Thinking is also a big part of my faith. I’m a thinker and a ponder-er. I’m a reader and a thinker. I worship with my mind. Without the ability to think and read and discuss, my spiritual life has suffered since becoming a mother. The mental drain of motherhood has really sapped me spiritually.
I miss having time to think. I miss having the energy to think. I miss having the space to think a complete thought. While becoming a mother had added many wonderful new dimensions to my life, it has also diminished others. To say otherwise would simply not be honest.
I think about this also when it comes to having an only child. We made the decision not to pursue any more children basically the same week Caroline was born. We just knew. We knew. Our doctor knew. And the people closest to us who know us best knew it was the right choice. There have been moments since when I’ve wondered (and they have been moments, not hours or days or weeks). I’ve thought about the fact that I’ll never have a son. I’ve thought about missing out on the amazing joy and privilege of carrying another child (even though my pregnancy was not peachy). I’ve wondered what it would be like to have an “easy” baby or an “easy” pregnancy. But we know we made the right choice. I know my limits physically and emotionally and mentally and one is enough. I cannot imagine adding another person to this household.
I like to read other people’s thoughts about having an only child so I found this piece from The New York Times interesting: What’s Wrong With Having One Child? I’m still reading through the comments, but I find them to be so fascinating, especially the many written by only children who are very happy to be onlies.
The lack of time and space to think also impacts how I view our schooling options. I am a former teacher, but I have been committed to homeschooling for a long time. It has been our default way of thinking since before we were ever pregnant. But I do wonder if preschool next year and private school after that would be best for all of us. I don’t know the answer to that. We’re still praying and thinking. Sending Caroline to school would not solve all our problems and would simply introduce new ones. There are tradeoffs no matter what we choose. But sometimes I wonder if my struggles are an indication that God is speaking to me and preparing me to make a choice I would not have thought I would make.
I’ve received some really great letters from people who read here. I have a whole bunch that I’ve saved because they have ministered to me in one way or another. A year ago I received one such letter that I’ve read many times. I asked the author if I could share part of it and she happily agreed. So I’ll close these random thoughts on motherhood with this (bolded mine):
I wanted to comment regarding how much time do I spend with my children. Let me first say that I married at 30, ( my husband was 38). We had our first daughter when I was 33 and our second daughter when I was 36!! I am now 42!!
I have struggled with homeschool vs private christian school and work and boundaries and goodness……the list goes on. I work outside of the home because we need the money ( we live frugally and below our means ; ). I have worked full time and part time. I now work full time and our two daughters are enrolled in a private, christian school. We have made the choices for our family through prayer and honest evaluation. The decisions that each of us make for our family is personal and different. My older sister was a physician that left her private practice in order to homeschool her seven children. I have felt pressure to do the same…..perhaps it is a middle child thing!!
I adore our girls and see them as God’s gift to our family. Honestly, it is not natural for me to sit and play board games with my children……that is difficult for me to write because I feel guilty that I do not enjoy it. I have found it very necessary for me to schedule time with my children……if I do not schedule that time….then it doesn’t happen. The amount of time has changed and varied through the years. We may go to the park for 2 hours on a Saturday…..after we have done some household chores. The girls work along side of me and that of course stretches my patience : ) When they were toddlers I would have them in the bathroom with me as I cleaned. If we are unable to go to the park on a Saturday……then we learn that we do not always get our way!!
I read to my children every night before they go to bed. Monday through Thursday…..we have homework and piano lessons….it is a work week so there is not long periods of play time. We eat dinner together and the girl’s do have chores that we all participate in. When they were toddlers, I would spend probably about 1 hour a day in 20 minute intervals playing….that does not include reading books. If you added books it would probably be an hour of book reading in small time frames through out the day. I still had to cook, clean, run errands, and worked part time out of the home. I kept a pretty structured schedule ( and still do) when they were smaller. Weather allowing….we went outside every day.
I think children should understand that mommy and daddy must work and then they may have to entertain themselves. I did enroll my children in some Mother’s Morning Out programs through our church. They loved it and I enjoyed some time to run errands and or have some peace and quite.
I do not like to be boxed into any one size fits all scenario!! My sisters do not support pre-school or any kind of Mother’s Morning Out program. I understand their perspective and can appreciate the different arguments. I, however, believe that parents who trust in the Lord are able to discern what their children needs are and what works best for their family. I am so very grateful for a husband that is involved and has been able at times to see what is best for our family. Because of the pressure that I have felt from my own family and my overwhelming feelings of condemnation, (name removed) has been able to discern what is the best course when I have not.
I believe that the Lord had given me a little perspective and some peace when it comes to raising our daughters. I am still very much in the throws of child rearing……I now, however do not struggle with the guilt and condemnation that I once did. God knows that I cannot sit and gaze upon my children every day or play for hours on end. I have dishes to wash, clothes to fold, a wonderful husband to share my life with, bills to pay,…… I guess what I am saying that God knows our hearts and I think balance is the key. At times, my focus has been totally on my children…..when it needed to be on the Lord!!
Your are a wonderful mom to Caroline!! I know that you and your husband will make wise choices. May God bless you on this path……He will guide you every step of the way.
Hope my ramblings help a bit……I am not a writer!!
Grace and Blessings to you, (name removed)
I joke sometimes about my “former life” but in reality I have lived two completely different lives.
Stephanie’s memories of me for about the first ten years were of me wearing suits and heels. We actually were happy with one child most of the time, especially since I enjoyed working outside the home.
It was purely a “God thing” that led me to leave a career and a few years later Christopher was born. I was on staff with a church and he went to their daycare so we saw each other all the time. It wasn’t until he had dismal school experiences and we decided to homeschool that I came home full time.
I truly believe homeschooling is just as much a calling as any other “career”. If one is not called, it is not for them. It is a lifestyle. If God had not shown me clearly we were to do this, I would have taken my son out of public schools where he was (and required him to be drugged for ADHD) to one of the Christian schools in town.
I thought of his first grade teacher recently. The one who thought him stupid and a trouble maker. I wonder what she would think of him getting on the Dean’s List at the University in one of their hardest subjects.
We were thrilled to have our son. But at the same time, I also enjoyed having our daughter as an only child. (I was so shocked to be pregnant again when we were told we’d probably not have more children that I was three months pregnant when I went to the doctor.)
Sallie, I can understand a lot of what you are saying. I really need a lot of privacy (LOVE that quote from Cliff) and quiet, but don’t get it hardly at all. (I am a single homeschooling mother and have my children 24/7.) I find sometimes I have to plan to get quiet, by making my 3 girls go somewhere or do something away from the house to help me decompress.
I don’t feel that homeschooling is the only Christian option. I wish I had had the money to have been able to send my daughters to a Christian school like I experienced, but the nearest one was too far away even if I could have afforded it. Also, there are many memories I would not have, had that taken place. I do feel it was God’s will for us.
My sweetheart is an only child and really liked it, although it has drawbacks. He has had to care for his elderly parents alone for many years. On the other hand, my mother came from a very large family, but did most of the caregiving on her own. It was the same case with my dad, who had 2 other siblings.
Hi Sallie,
Your post struck close to home as just this weekend I was thinking of the things I’ve given up and am missing about the “me” pre-baby (and pre-marriage, really). I am living the life I always wanted. Let me say it louder, I AM LIVING THE LIFE I ALWAYS WANTED!! (: Truly, I’m so thankful for my dear precious husband and 3 (almost 4) children. While you miss thinking, I miss talking. I’m extroverted and often process/think as I talk with like-minded friends. My single days, I worked in ministry, and much time was given to iron sharpening iron type talks, prayer times, etc. Those years were so formative and foundational and yet as some things this weekend reminded me of those very foundational things, I realized how seldom I am able to talk, really talk with others on a deep level. As He has always seemed to do, God has filled my life with godly, like minded women. However, in this season of life, it is very difficult to actually talk to these women! We’ll get together and between us have 4 or 5 or 6 children ages 5 and under and not much deep conversation is able to happen. My husband is a gem of a man and very graciously gives me time as I want to spend away on an evening for a “girls’ night”, but truthfully I so covet alone time with him, I choose those nights less and less. And I’m tired! (:
All that rambling to say, I “hear” you. You’re not alone, even if the sacrifices are different. I do try to encourage myself though, to remember God has great purposes in this season. The obvious being the privilege of raising children to know and love God, the delight that comes from being a mother, on and on. I so value the roles of wife and mother and would not change that in a minute. But that is assumed, and not really the point of your post, I think. All things work together for good, all things work together to refine me and perfect in me the character of Christ, all things work together for God’s glory. So I know and do believe that these years of seemingly stunted spiritual, relational, ministry-related growth are doing the work in me that God has purposed. And so while I do listen to Him and look for ways to make lifestyle choices (schooling, etc) that are best considering my giftings and our family’s needs, I also submit and surrender as needed in this season. And I trust that He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it……..in me, in you.
I agree with Jenny that these things work to create character in us ( or in my case just glaringly point out what I lack) !!
I know that I had to drop my daughter off with my cousin once a week because I could not think at all to grocery shop, forget anything deeper than that ! I would wander around the store with a drooling “talking” baby and at the end my budget was blown I did’nt get half of what I went for and I was nearly in tears. And yes I had a list.
The good part of it was all the old folks who would come up to talk and look at her . I guess it was a successful social outing all in all, but after the first year I went alone.
Thanks for this!! We, too, are parents of an only–a girl, 10 years old. We have homeschooled to this point and have loved every minute of it. However, we have recently made the decision to place her in a private, classical school beginning in August.
As I was reading your post, I found myself wondering how you got in my head! I also need lots of thinking time–lots of quiet time. My husband is wired much the same way. Because of the way we are wired, our daughter is similar to a degree but she is also a child and has the energy and “verbal-ness” of a child!!!
Keeping up with her schooling in the way I want to has become a huge challenge over the past 2 years. I feel strongly that I should know intimately what I am teaching. Because she is intelligent and curious, she often blows through what I have planned to last a week in much less time. This leaves me constantly planning–and very little time to be “mom”.
Certainly, there will be trade offs when she begins school. I will miss her terribly! The school she will be attending is small and encourages much parental involvement. That will be good but will also be a balancing act because she needs to spread her wings a bit.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling nature of this comment but your post hit on several things that I have been dealing with for a while. Thanks much for putting it into words!!
I have homeschooled my children in the past and now they are in private Christian school. I think it does create added problems to have children in school but it does also actually solve problems. And the problems that we have had with school have been largely because we have boys and as a teacher, I am sure you are aware that school is much more suited to girls, generally speaking. Therefore it is possible that you might not have as many school-related problems as you anticipate. I rarely feel guilty for not carrying on with homeschooling but only rarely because saving my sanity was a really high priority
As a parent to just two kids, I never thought I would be homeschooling, in fact I use to joke that there wasn’t enough medication to make me do it (I suffered from mild depression). But when God calls you (each of us individually) to do something he then equips us to do it and handle it.
I’m amazed at how many times in my life I was on the path that I thought was the “right one”, in my mind so many other Christians were doing the same thing, but what I learned is that it might be the right path for them and the way God made them, but I’m not equipped like everyone else, God has equipped me individually for what he wants me to do.
Someone once said that I was missing out on all kinds of love and blessings because we chose to limit our family size to just 2. My husband and I both say that we don’t know if our marriage could have handled more children, we both like our individual time and because of the emotional roller coaster I suffer after each baby with PPD and suffering a few miscarriages we just knew before we had our 2nd that we were finished. I can tell you that we have tons of love in our family and we have huge blessings with the two children we have. I feel that this is what God would have for us.
As women I think we compare ourselves with others when we should just be comparing ourselves to the Lord.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who cries after grocery shopping when I bring the kids with me…
I had a surfeit of solitude in my twenties while I was waiting for a husband, and now I draw on it sometimes, and I remember that I was not all that happy back then. It is still very difficult to survive on short little moments of introvert time, but somehow or other I get just enough for me to figure out where I am and what the next step should be.
Discerning what your calling isn’t is no easy task.
I apologize for the lack of any response from me. I have thoroughly appreciated the comments. Long day and I’m whipped. I’ll respond tomorrow.
Very interesting post Sallie. You should feel very fortunate that you had a feeling of peace once Caroline was born, that you would be happy with one. How wonderful to feel that. I have two and I would love to have a third, but due to some medical issues surrounding the deliveries, it would not be wise for us to do that. I’m currently going through some grieving over it, but it’s getting better.
Anyhow, as to having an only and schooling decisions….I grew up as an only and it was fine. I didn’t know any different. People should never have another child to give the first a sibling. They should only have another child (or 2 or 3 etc) if they want those children. I’m actually one of the most well-adjusted people I know (if I do say so myself, lol).
As far as schooling, (and I’m only speaking from my personal experience as an only and I know that everyone’s mileage may vary on this one)…..
I think going to a traditional school is a good thing for an only child. I absolutely loved school, and I also loved coming home to my nice quiet home after school with my two doting parents.
Not that you need random advice from the internet, but from what you are writing here, I would give school a try and see how it goes. You can always pull her out later if it doesn’t work out.
I love this post. I really like the comments too. It happens to all of us frankly. We grieve what we were , before the children. That doesn’t diminish our value of parenting, but it’s real to recognize how lives have changed. There is no way to tell another woman what will happen after having a child…if there was then a woman would have already written it out! It’s just so different for each mother.
I love the quote from the Cosby Show. I watched about the whole series when I first had my girl and was nursing at all hours of the night. I am still slightly sad it went off the air and no other show featuring the same kind of family has ever been produced well. But that’s another comment.
I was pretty sure I would not do a private preschool, but alas we stumbled upon one that is perfect for our girl and the time alone for my son has been a big deal for him as well. So here we are… in preschool and we all appreciate it very much. Her teachers are just a perfect fit for her age and I have learned to let go a little bit and allow someone else to teach her things she needs to know. THankfully it is a Christian preschool with VERY involved teachers and the atmosphere is very good overall. It’s a good thing for us at the moment.
So, know you are not alone in your loss of having a thought from inception to completion. I actually have taken to e-mailing my husband when I want to tell him something so I can get it out before the kids come unglued or fight, or need a diaper change or whatever. We are taking a trip together in about 2 weeks and I am not sure I will know what to do with all the available thinking time for a whole week!
Thank you for the post Sallie!
I’ll keep my response short and sweet. Love it Sallie.
Judge slowly, and do what works for you! Life is most definitely not a one-size-fits-all type endeavour!
I’ve learned that almost as soon as I judge something or someone else, God has a “surprise” for me in store!
If there’s anything I’m learning as a parent, it’s that I may have plans or wishes for each of my children and my family as a whole, but ultimately my plans and wishes may not be what God has in store.
I WANTED to homeschool my kids or at least be able to send them to a high falutin’ Classical private school in our area. But guess what? It hasn’t worked out that way for us. I made myself miserable over it and many other things concerning the kids’ lives. . . but as time has passed, I definitely see God’s hand in it. My older 2 are in public school, and they are thriving. (Not that it’s for every child.)
Despite my “Mommy guilt” and “agonizing” at times, I think it is nice to make room for God’s grace in all of our decision-making.
As far as preschool goes, I sent my first two to halfday/two to three days a week programs. The first child LOVED it, and it was great for him (a talkative, active boy who loves to make friends and learn). But my second child did NOT love it, and it was a bad fit (he was bored with the “academics” as he was already reading well and did not have the same need to socialize – with the class full of 12 little misbehaving 3 year old boys – so we quit the preschool). I now am trying to decide if I ought to send my only daughter, age 3, to a small program at our church a couple of mornings a week. While she plays pretty well at home on her own, she doesn’t get much of my attention due to my having to care for her little 19 month old twin bros. And she loves going to Sunday School at church to be with her “church friends”. So how can it be a bad thing if we can afford it? I get a time to refresh and recharge to really be with her with energy, and she gets a chance to learn something new and be with friends. . . If she doesn’t like it and it turns out to be a bad match, it’s easy to back out and do something different.
I really enjoyed your post!
Thank you again, ladies, for all of the comments. Every one was so valuable and added much to what I wrote.
Somewhere else online someone mocked me for writing this post and made some disparaging comments about our family (which also showed how little this person actually knows about our family and home life). People can say whatever they want. I keep writing posts like this because these things need to be said. There aren’t nearly enough Christian women who are willing to be honest and admit that their life isn’t perfectly planned and organized and implemented. There are times I read blogs written by young Christian women in their teens and twenties who have the exact answer to everything and I really grieve for them and what will happen when they discover life is not that cut and dried.
Anyway, thanks again for all that everyone added to the post. I know God will use this in the days ahead as people are led here by Him to read these thoughts we all shared.
Sallie, I read your post again and I don’t see anything in it that anyone could possibly mock
– I’m so sorry that happened. You are brave to continue telling the truth of your experience and I appreciate hearing it.
I am as introverted as one can be and I think that maybe extroverts do not understand what it is like for an introvert to try to parent 24/7 with very few breaks. I have five boys and the noise level is unreal (the older ones are in school, that is where the snity saving come in). With a preschooler and a toddler, it is still constant with no break for me because the oldest is not trustworthy enough to watch the toddler. People ask me how I do it and even I don’t know how I do it or I reply “I don’t do it” because I am not parenting up to my standards.
Anyway, I wanted to say I understand, as do many other mothers, and I just wish everyone understood.
I was surprised to hear that you were mocked for being indecisive. To me you come across as anything but!
Hope and Gianna -The person who mocked me has gone after me in the past because she didn’t agree with my c-section or having an only child. Apparently all these years later she still reads here. Who knew?