I’m just about ready to wrap up my third round of physical therapy.  I’ve made good progress again and have reached that critical juncture in my recovery – I am feeling a lot better, but I am still a long way from being completely healed.

When I start to feel better, I want to start living normally.  I can do anything I want.  My physical limitations don’t limit my ability to do anything.  The limitations are the consequences of doing whatever I want.  When I do too much of the wrong things, my symptoms flare and I pay the price. And every time I aggravate my problem, I set my complete recovery back a bit.  Thankfully, the symptoms flare a little less each week and abate much more quickly.  But I have to hourly resist the urge to try to get back to normal and do everything.

A few nights ago I got out one of my journals because I couldn’t remember exactly how long it took to start feeling more normal after I blew out my back (herniated disc) a few years ago.  I blew it out in January after having problems with it for a couple of years.  It took a few months to get into the doctor, the specialist, physical therapy and so on so I didn’t really start on the road to recovery until March.  But it wasn’t until the end of August that I wrote in my journal that I had a couple of pain-free hours.  I knew it took a long time, but I hadn’t remembered it was that long just to get a couple of hours pain-free.

Reading that was actually encouraging in a strange way.  It reminded me again that recovery from something like this is a lengthy process that occurs in very small increments.  I can see steady improvement now and I know if I just take it easy and don’t do something stupid (whether intentionally or unintentionally – like grabbing Caroline instinctively when she falls or something), I will be doing much better in another few months.  In retrospect, I now suspect I’ve been having this problem since at least early last fall, but didn’t blow it out until March.  So I’m “only” five months into my healing.  I suspect it will be not until Thanksgiving or Christmas that I really feel well and am completely out of the “danger zone”.

But the list of what I still cannot do is lengthy:

read
cook
vacuum
dishes
clean
iron
push a shopping cart
play the piano
crafts of any kind
pick up Caroline
push a stroller
help Caroline in and out of the car
play on the floor with Caroline

My parents came for a visit this week so David and I took advantage of the time to go out and do errands and such without Caroline.  I can’t go grocery shopping by myself and trying to do it effectively when they are both with me is just not very, well, effective.  So David and I went out and did a mega-trip and a smaller trip and stocked up big.  My mom also did some cooking ahead for us so between all the extra groceries and her cooking, the next few weeks should be a bit easier.

I’ve been trying to look at what God is teaching me in the midst of all this.  Until five years ago I was hardly ever sick and had no health problems other than allergies.  Over the past five years it has been one thing after another until I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve seriously wondered if I was going to end up a sickly person or semi-invalid the rest of my life.  It is a depressing thought when you are 42 years old and have a 2 year old to think that you might never be fully well again physically.

Lately I have felt hope that this is not the case. I believe God has allowed me to go through these physical afflictions in order to make me more gracious, sympathetic and kind toward others who suffer physically.  I have a couple of blog posts about those topics running around in my head and maybe someday I’ll get to them. I’m too tired tonight to tackle theology as is probably evident by the rambly nature of this post.

One thing that has blessed me greatly is a CD of Scripture and quiet music my aunt sent to me.  You can see it here and listen to a sample.  Unfortunately they are not sold individually on the website so you would have to find one in a Christian bookstore (as she did).  I have listened to this CD so many times over the past four months both in the morning when I wake up and at night when I go to bed.  I have found it to be restful and encouraging.  If you ever see one and know someone who is struggling with physical problems, you might consider sending it to him/her.

So we continue to muddle through around here.  We trust that God has good things in store for us as a family and that He is in the process of restoring my health.  In the meantime, I look forward to the day when I can sit and read a book  or lay on my back in bed in the morning and think about the day ahead.