Learn to say “no.” It will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin.
Charles H. Spurgeon

After my post on Content at home amid the tyranny of change, I received a letter from a sweet sister in Christ. The post had gone straight to her heart as it touched on a number of issues she was sorting out in her own life. Although she is convinced that God is calling her to devote more time to her home and more “introverted” pursuits in the home (and her husband is completely in agreement), she finds it hard to say “no” to friends, church members and others who want to fill her time with other activities, their “needs”, etc. We’ve emailed about this and I told her that I would also like to do a post about saying “no” since I would guess we aren’t the only two people who struggle with this.

(Now I can also imagine there are people who come to my blog who have a hard time saying “yes”. This post isn’t necessarily for you, but maybe you will learn something about your friends who have a hard time saying “no”.)

I remember when I first started saying “no” to people. It was hard. It was VERY HARD. I have always been a can-do, dependable, rise-to-a-challenge type person. I also struggle with being a people pleaser. I want people to like me and think well of me so it is hard to say “no” if it means that the other person might be offended by my answer.

I also felt guilty for saying “no”. Somehow it seemed “selfish” to have other things in my life that were more important than what this person was asking me to do. After all, as Christians we are supposed to be willing to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters, right? So doesn’t that mean we should lay aside our need for a quiet evening at home to meet someone else’s “need”? To let their “need” go unmet seems downright selfish and unbiblical.

I think saying “no” can be hard because oftentimes we don’t have a clear sense of our calling and priorities. There are SO MANY “good” things we can devote our time to in this day and age that unless we know how to sort the “best” from the “better” and “good” we will find ourselves frequently mired down in the less than best.

Saying “no” can also be hard because to say “no” means that we acknowledge we have limits. In this day and age of “giving 150%” (as if anyone can do that), it looks “weak” so admit you are limited in time or energy. The sense is that someone who is really committed to Christ, their friends, their children, their child’s school, their extended family, their career, etc. would of course say “yes”! And so we end up with the “If I just try a little harder”syndrome that tells us that we can do it if we would just try a little harder. (I have been very guilty of this one at a few points in my life.)

So how does a person learn to say “no”? Here are a few things I’ve learned through the school of hard knocks…

Make a list of your true priorities. I’m talking about the “these are the things I have to do in order to be a spiritually and physically healthy functioning person” type list. My list would include the following: my spiritual life, my marriage, taking care of my home, cooking good meals, reading, time alone, writing/business, some other creative venture (cross stitching, scrapbooking, playing the piano, etc.), my parents, sleep, and walking. Those are the eleven things that I know I have to have in my life to be spiritually and/or physically healthy or are simply the very most important relationships in my life. On that list I did not include: church activities, volunteer activities, friends and extended family. I am sure for some people that is probably shocking. It isn’t that those things aren’t important to me. They are all important to me. They are important enough to me that I am tempted to feel guilty for not putting them on the first list. But if I am truly honest with myself, I have to admit that I have a finite amount of time and energy each day. It is all I can do most of the time to feel like I do a good job of keeping up with the things on my list of priorities. (Hats off to parents who also have multiple children on that list as well!)

I encouraged the woman who wrote to me to sit down with her husband and write down on paper her ***true*** priorities. Her list might be different from mine. Someone else might put on their list friends and extended family rather than reading, time alone and creative pursuits. If that is the case, they are probably an extrovert! Extroverts need people to feel alive. I’m the opposite. I need time alone with my thoughts every day in order to feel alive. One way of functioning is not “more right” than the other. It is just a part of who God has created us to be as individuals. After making the list, put it on the refrigerator and make yourself run your choices and commitments through that list. If you cave, call the person back and tell them you made a mistake. It is HARD to do the first few times. It is embarrassing to say you will do something and then know from that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that you did the wrong thing. That is good. After you have to do it a few times, you start to realize it is easier to say “no” in the first place then have to call up later and tell the person you made a mistake and did not stay true to what God is calling you to do.

When you start to say “no”, it is going to take some people in your life completely by surprise, especially if you always said “yes” to everything before. I think it is well to know ahead of time how you are going to “defend” your new way of doing things because it will be challenged. People will try to guilt you into saying “yes”. They will make it seem to you that you are the ONLY person on God’s beautiful green and blue earth who can possibly meet this need. I don’t believe this is true 99.99999999% of the time. If it IS a true need, God will meet it in another way. As I suggested to the woman who wrote to me, just tell the person that God has put it on your heart that you need to stay home more and focus on some things He is calling you to do. Explain to them that your husband agrees and so you are going to have to start saying “no” to things you usually/often said “yes” to in the past. Your ***true*** friends will understand and support you in this. If people hold it against you, then I would say they are not true friends. A true friend will support you in your desire to respond to God’s leading.

I think another important part of learning to say “no” is accepting ahead of time that people are going to be mad at you for saying “no” to them. Just expect it. But don’t allow their anger or frustration to cause you to cave. I’ve been in a few situations where another person was really angry with me because I did not say “yes” to their need. It was hard, but I stuck to my guns. I ultimately answer to God and the person He has given me on earth to protect me from myself, my husband. I don’t have to answer to anyone else for the choices I make. (I’m not talking about unbiblical choices here.) Again, a true friend will try to understand why you had to say “no”, even if it takes them a few days (or weeks or months) to get over it. In fact, I think sometimes this anger comes from their frustration with their own life and the fact that you have the courage to do what they do not – say “no”.

Learning to say “no” is hard, but it is one of the most wonderful gifts you can give to yourself, your marriage and your children. Seeking God’s leading as you learn to say “no” is critical so it is done in an appropriate way. But the fruit of a more peaceful and focused life will be a rich harvest in the days, months and years ahead.

Here are some closing thoughts related to the importance of learning to say “no”…

He who floats with the current, who does not guide himself according to higher principles, who has no idea, no convictions – such a man is a mere article of the world’s furniture – a thing moved, instead of a living and moving being – an echo, not a voice.
Henri Frederic Amiel

Public opinion is a permeating influence, and it exacts obedience to itself; it requires us to think other men’s thoughts, to speak other men’s words, to follow other men’s habits.
Walter Bagehot

It’s important to run not on the fast track, but on your track.
Robert S. Eliot and Dennis L. Breo

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Mary Schmich

The man who is born with a talent which he was meant to use finds his greatest happiness in using it.
Goethe

A pint can’t hold a quart – if it holds a pint it is doing all that can be expected of it.
Margaret Deland

(This is a post from my previous blog, A Gracious Home, and was originally posted there November 8, 2005.)