Merry Christmas, Darling
I haven’t written much about my single days. Although they are rapidly growing smaller in the rearview mirror of life, I don’t think they will ever completely leave me. For one thing, God used my single days to shape my faith and theology. There is nothing like being single against one’s will to make you consider all kinds of important theological concepts – God’s sovereignty, God’s will, God’s goodness, etc. It then follows that some of the greatest lessons God has taught me about himself were born out of the anguish of my singleness. And I do mean anguish. I know some people skip through their single years without much thought about it, but I was one of the group that struggled mightily with being single and the possible implications in my life.
Another reason I don’t think my single days will ever leave me is because my experiences have made my heart tender towards other singles. I remember what it was like and my heart goes out to them. After having struggled to learn contentment as a single and then experiencing the great joy of a blessed marriage, I want it for them too! I’ve seen both sides – the yearning and the fulfillment – and I so want them to experience the depths of peace and joy that come from a marriage blessed by God. But I remember the overwhelming sense of “What if?” that comes to a single because there is no guarantee that marriage will eventually come. And that is so hard.
One thing that was pretty consistent throughout my single days was praying for my husband. That might sound like an obvious statement, but I didn’t just pray for a husband, I prayed for my husband. There is a difference. I prayed for his purity, for his spiritual growth, and that God would drop an “X marks the spot of Sallie’s house” map in his living room window. Ok, maybe not the map thing, but I did pray a lot for his spiritual well-being.
And I had my own little Christmas Eve ritual that I’ve never publically shared until now.
The holidays can be kind of very depressing for singles. They are a reminder that another year has passed and nothing has happened. (The same is true for childless couples, but that is another story.) There is no one to take to the family gathering, no one to buy a romantic gift for… Just a reminder that you are still praying and hoping.
Well, I don’t know when I discovered it, but the song Merry Christmas, Darling by the Carpenters really resonated with me as a single. I first heard it on the radio and when they didn’t play it often enough to satisfy me, I bought the cassette. (Yeesh, my age is showing.) I don’t remember exactly what motivated me to start this ritual or even when I started doing this, but I know this was my pattern for several years before I met David.
My family always exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve. But generally before we did that, I went up to my room and listened to Merry Christmas, Darling and prayed for my husband. I always prayed that this would be the last year we would be apart and that God in his providence and good pleasure would bring us together that year.
Merry Christmas, Darling
Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you
Merry Christmas darling
We’re apart that’s true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I’m Christmas-ing with you
Holidays are joyful
There’s always something new
But every day’s a holiday
When I’m near to you
The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I’ve just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
Instrumental Interlude
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I’ve just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you
Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas – Darling
The amazing thing is that after David and I met, I found out that as a single he was always alone on Christmas Eve. His family (consisting of married siblings and his parents) always celebrated Christmas on Christmas Day. So David was always alone on Christmas Eve. Except he wasn’t alone because I was thinking of him and praying for him. To this day I still get weepy when I think about him being alone and my praying for him that night.
I’m not sure why I felt compelled to write about this today. Maybe to encourage any singles who visit here and to tell them that I care and understand at least in a small way how hard the holidays can be when you so long to be married. And maybe to bear witness to the fact that God is always working, always moving in our lives – even when we don’t realize it.
God is at work in response to our prayers, whether we see something happening or not. If we are truly praying, “Thy will be done,” forces are at work beyond our comprehension – and often, beyond our vision. But they are working just the same.
David Jeremiah
December 1st, 2005 at 9:51 am
The snowflakes are pretty, but for some reason, it took a loooong time to load your page today. I absolutely LOVED this post. Thank you so much for sharing it. I have been happily married for almost thirteen years, but it reminded me of the days long past when I was sad and lonely. What a ministry for people to remember and pray for those around them who may not have a significant other to cuddle with in the holiday months.
December 1st, 2005 at 9:52 am
I was humming that song and was just singing to myself “Merry, Christmas Darling…” when I popped over here to get a link for my blog and those same words were staring me in the face. Kinda weird
December 1st, 2005 at 11:11 am
Yes, Christmas Eve was a lonely time for a number of years as I waited for my Sallie to arrive. My Christmas eve tradition for a number of years was spent making a good meal and watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” on video. But I am touched that Sallie prayed for me all those years. (And I gave her an early gift this year of the Carpenters Christmas album on CD).
One Christmas Eve I came home from work and found a surprise on my counter. I had a good friend who knew where my spare key was hid, which he and his newlywed used to deliver a plate of cookies to me. I had “lost” many friends to marriages in that year and it was extremely thoughtful to have someone acknowledge my heart by leaving an unexpected gift. I’ve never forgotten that.
I also haven’t forgotten my single years in another way. The first Christmas living on my own I purchased a small norfolk pine tree which came with some cheap styrofoam/pipe cleaner ornaments on it. The tree died within a year, but the ornaments are still in use today. It’s a reminder to me of my humble years though now I am blessed with a wife, a regular sized tree in our living room, two small trees in our offices, and a gazillion ornaments of which some are not used.
My single days were longer than I wanted, but I do need to remember them. God was with me in those days even though I didn’t understand at times.
December 1st, 2005 at 11:24 am
this is why i love reading blogs…i’m challenged and encouraged to see things differently!
my husband and i got married pretty early, so it’s difficult to relate….
it’s good to hear what you shared, Sallie and David….we attend a campus church so i pray God will use what you both shared to help us be a blessing to others.
December 1st, 2005 at 1:28 pm
I love this post.
December 1st, 2005 at 4:52 pm
I’ve been married for 45 years, and think this is one of the best Christmas stories I’ve ever read about marriage.
December 1st, 2005 at 7:59 pm
Sallie, this moved me to tears. I know what you mean. I remember. Anguish is the only word for what some singles go through. It hurts so terribly.
December 1st, 2005 at 8:58 pm
Okay, I’m starting to cry.
December 1st, 2005 at 9:39 pm
Thank you for sharing that, Sal. I married in my thirties, and I remember those times.
December 2nd, 2005 at 6:16 am
We married the year before Sallie & Sweet Dave – in our 40’s. Since Sallie knows my story, I only wanted to add that God knows the plans He has for us. They are always for our good – to give us a future and a hope. My future in Christ was my sweet Tom. I rejoice with those who rejoice! On another perspective – singleness can be a blessing – one can minister, serve and be a blessing unto others. My last ten years of singleness brought me awesome opportunities to serve those around me, and gave me years observe what a Godly wife was – and wasn’t! It prepared me to understand submission and servanthood. I’m very very grateful God made me wait for my precious husband. He is perfect for me!!!
December 2nd, 2005 at 9:35 am
I would have to agree. Christmas can be a heartwrentching time for people who are single. There always seemed to be a time during the season that I would become depressed and cry my heart out. I always appreciated your encouragement and prayers; not just during the Christmas season, but throughout the year. I was always touched to receive a Valentine’s Day card from you. (That is another hard time for singles.) Thank you for your love and prayers. I am so overwhelmed by His faithfulness. It’s hard to believe Rob and I are celebrating our 1st anniversary in a few weeks!
December 2nd, 2005 at 3:41 pm
Well, I hardly know what to say! I am humbled that so many were moved by what I wrote.
Hugs to all,
Sallie
December 3rd, 2005 at 10:41 pm
I needed this today. Thanks Sallie. Thanks also for your comment Jo Anne.
December 3rd, 2005 at 11:16 pm
Found my way here from Solo Femininity and was greatly encouraged by your post. I’ve been praying for my future husband since my mom encouraged me to at age 12. Your lovely story was wonderful encouragement that the prayers do matter on the other side.
December 4th, 2005 at 3:35 pm
I found my way here from Solo Femininity, as well. I’m still at 36. Oh, does it hurt! I think it’s especially because I’m the “old maid” of my church. Last year, there were FOUR weddings, including one of very close friends. I even planed two wedding receptions held at our church, including that of my close friends. Talk about painful! When my friends’ engagement was announced at the end of that Sunday’s service, I went into the bathroom afterwards and cried. An older lady, who knew how painful all the weddings and engagements were, came over let me cry on her shoulder. While we have many younger single men (30 and under) coming into my church, there are no older ones.
I generally spend the holidays with my pastor and his family. I’m estranged from my blood relatives due to substance abuse. It really helps spending the day with those who love me, rather than in a stressed family gathering.
December 4th, 2005 at 10:28 pm
I also found my way here from Solo Femininity, and while I’m quite a bit younger than some of the ladies here (I’m 24) I still have the same experience over Christmas. See, I’m one of the 3 singles remaining out of my childhood friends. When I was 20, I attended 5 weddings in 4 months – all my friends.
Thankyou Sallie for sharing your story, it means a lot to me.
Paula
December 5th, 2005 at 11:17 am
Hi Sallie, Your post really blessed me. I am married now and remember how very hard it was being single. And for anyone reading this comment, God gives us these desires – it is a sacred thirst and in His time He will quench your thirst.
December 5th, 2005 at 3:09 pm
Thanks Sallie,
So nice to know you understand. Married folk can sometimes be unknowingly irritating at times like these.
Peace,
Dee
December 5th, 2005 at 4:04 pm
Wow, this is the first time I’ve read your blog, and it was totally God that sent me here. I really needed to read that today. I’m single and have been really struggling, mainly because of it being the holidays. In my college and career group at church we have 6 couples that are getting married in the next 9 months and it’s really hit me hard. I feel totally alone and like I may never find my soul mate. This was a huge encouragement to me and challenge to pray for my future husband. Thank you for sharing your heart!
December 5th, 2005 at 4:30 pm
I remember some stretches like you ladies are describing. I remember summers of four, five, six weddings. While you want to be happy for the people being married, by the time you go to the third or fourth one in a row, you are just kind of numb. (At least I was!) I love weddings, but it did get to the point where I did not enjoy them at all. By the time I was married (at 29, almost 30) most of my friends had been married a number of years, owned a house and had at least one child.
The funny thing is that even after you get married you don’t necessarily automatically “fit in”. Yes, in some ways it is much easier and there is no denying that. But we’ve gone from the “we’re single so we don’t fit it” to the “we don’t have any children so we don’t fit in”. LOL! We just can’t fit in!!! But it is ok. God is faithful. And, yes, it is easier not fitting in when you have a spouse to share the struggle with, but it doesn’t change the dynamic of being a childless couple in a child-centered culture (both inside and outside of the church). So even though marriage can be wonderful, it doesn’t automatically make all the social issues go away. Sometimes it just creates different ones that are just as painful in their own way.
(Dee – I hope this comment isn’t irritating!)
December 24th, 2005 at 8:59 am
I just spend my chirstmas eve with 4 couples, I’ve spend the last 3 christmas’s alone and its starting to eat me alive.
I really needed to read this now, thanks for posting it, not only is it a great that you remember and relate but also as a single person I enjoy hearing that you don’t take these blessed times for granted.
December 24th, 2005 at 11:50 am
Rob,
Thank you for leaving a comment. I so wish there was something I could do beyond just a blog entry. I hope that in the midst of the next few days you will find extra strength, encouragement and even joy in the midst of the celebrations. David and I will be thinking of you.
Sallie
January 27th, 2006 at 4:48 am
Sallie,
You so well described my single days. I too married at 30. Those years especially between 25 and 30 were soooo incredibly painful. I didn’t want to be at home for the holidays because of all my married siblings. My 2 sisters and 3 sisters-in-law would just sit aroung and talk about husbands and babies. I absolutely could not relate but wanted to!
And talk about Valentines Day! Even as a married woman I don’t like it because of how painful it is for all those single ladies out there. 3 years later and the pain is still so fresh.
Oh, but the wait and all the pain was so worth it. We are SOOO happy that we didn’t say “yes” to someone earlier. The Lord brought the PERFECT man for me. I am such a blessed woman. We hope we can use the pain we experienced to minister to others who are going through this difficult period.
Thank you for the post and allowing me to remember again the pain in order truly appreciate the pleasure.
Blessings!
Debra
January 28th, 2006 at 11:13 am
Sallie,
Since I’ve been praying for my husband since I was 4 years old (I know, I know, I’m a basket case–25 years now), I really appreciated your comments about God’s sovereignty and waiting. My family is so dear to me (us children are still all home), but I dearly desire that day when the Lord will give me a husband. From experience, saying “no” is very painful . . . but I trust that God would lay me upon my husbands heart.
Though I could not say this a few years ago, it brings me such great joy to see the Lord establishing new covenant households; bringing together our friends as husband and wife. The Lord is good. Let us who are single be faithful by God’s mercy to do His kingdom work. His work must be done every day of your life–as a child, young woman, wife, mother, or grandmother.
For Christ’s Kingdom,
Rebecca
March 29th, 2007 at 10:05 pm
Really needed this blog.
I am 26 and have never had a boyfriend. I have had “guy” friends but never a close relationship with a man. I have been praying and praying.
I live with two roommates. They have a new guy at the house everynight with them. Here I am “the good girl” can’t even get one man. I don’t believe in sex before marriage and I stand firm on my beliefs. I cry myself to sleep most nights out of the week while they are “having fun” in the next room. Many times I say “God, can you see them? I am not like them. So why aren’t you sending me my man in my life? You know my heart.”
Two years ago when I moved here to Nashville I thought well maybe this is where the man God has for me lives. I finally met a man. We “hung out” (or whatever you want to call it)for about a year. Last Thanksgiving he told me was gay. I was mad. Felt dumb. Thought God was playing a trick on me.
I am still praying…..
November 29th, 2007 at 9:16 pm
this is beyond precious…need to be written and reposted. i know of this ache and tension…personally and in the feminine souls of women i walk with.
it’s such a sweet encouragment. i’ll resurrect something i’d written some time ago – for the bride in waiting and i’ll put a link back to this wonderful post..
wishing you and your honey a rich, blessed holiday…lylah